valerian root is my new best friend.

so, i spent a large portion of my week researching home remedies for anxiety in the hopes that i won't make myself physically ill in the next few months through the power of worry alone.

have i mentioned that wedding planning (well, planning anything really) is not my strong suit?

so far i have picked: dress, venue, lodging, food, and photographers.

can i please be done now?

as far as anxiety goes, i keep being advised to exercise daily! eat healthy! get lots of rest! well, let me tell you, i already do all those things. i have not yet resorted to pills, so i am trying the herbal route for now.

anyway, must focus. i am really good at focusing. on one thing. i am really bad at giving my full attention to multiple things. the problem is that right now many things need my attention and it leaves me feeling sad and overwhelmed, so therefore i do nothing. good solution, right?

in order to get married in scotland, i have to book things early which means three months ago, or better yet NOW. except right now i have to focus fully on school, because i have two months left before i have to be a real nurse. and if i fail school, i can't be a real nurse, and if i can't be a real nurse than i can't get paid a RN's salary, and if i don't get paid a RN's salary, i can't afford to have a wedding in scotland!

UGH, THE VICIOUS CIRCLE.

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On a better note:
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I am fairly confident in saying I am now in the best shape of my life. I might not necessarily be the thinnest I have ever been, but I am in seriously good shape. I have muscle definition in my puny arms!

Here is my exercise schedule:

Sunday: Yoga
Monday: 6 mile run
Tuesday: Group weights class
Wednesday: Rest
Thursday: 6 mile run
Friday: Spinning
Saturday: Group weights class

Diet:
Try not to eat crap

Moral:

I may have a nervous breakdown in the next 7 months, but at least I will look good while I have it.

P.S.

Yes, I realize my capitalization and grammar is all over the place. Thanks.

um, EMERGENCY.

I just stepped out of the shower and was confronted with STRETCH MARKS on my upper chest from doing the chest press at the gym! I WAS NOT TOLD THIS COULD HAPPEN.

side note: i may be overdoing the exercising, as i overdo all things.

lastthingipromise

i am incapable of referring to michael as "my fiance" with any degree of seriousness. just knowing the words are coming in a sentence makes me change my voice to faux pretension.

my pecs are killing me. for reals.

i love the new gym, i hate how the new gym makes me feel, which is old and brittle. creaky and squashy. flabby and weak.

yesterday. i took a group class where we lifted weights. quickly. in time to music. it was taught by a disturbingly attractive young man who lifted about ten times the weight as me and made it look effortless. he was dreamy. with long lashes. and latin. with an accent. and named tiago. of course.

i'm so grouchy.

- every day i seem to become clumsier. i am incapable of moving with any sort of physical grace. i drop things, i kick things, i trip, i walk into door frames. it's like my motor skills are regressing to . . . say . . . early preschool age. WHY.

-i hate facebook, but i'm on it constantly. i'm so sick of getting friend requests from people i am barely even acquainted with who make me feel guilty if i don't accept them but who i invariably end up deleting six months later ANYWAY because they've never said a single word to me in that time. i.e. the pastor of my parent's church who was never my pastor and didn't start being their pastor until i no longer lived at home. my parents aren't even friends with him, yet he wants to be my friend on facebook. WHY.

-girl drama is so stupid. i hate feeling as if i have to smooth things over with people because they are pissed at me for something so unbelievably stupid in the first place that to even think about it makes my brain tired. i even got tired typing that sentence. yet in order to not be my usual socially retarded self i feel obligated to at least attempt. WHY.

-meh.

even good change is unsettling.

the trick is to not even begin to think about the fact that i have to graduate, take boards, find a job, plan a wedding, move into our own place, and get frigging married in the next nine months.

don't even get me started on the whole biological clock thing.

i still enjoy a good haystack though.

at some point, without knowing when, i've forgotten how to pretend to be a good adventist. i used to slip with ease into adventist mode, knowing what to say and what not to say when surrounded by the conservatives for fear of offending them or worse making them worry about my eternal salvation. this evening we had dinner with some family friends of michael's and i found myself very self-conscious. i kept thinking things like, "do they know we live together?" and "is it bad that i ordered beef?". there was a moment of awesome awkwardness when the food came and we all clearly did not know whether or not we should be praying over it. nobody made eye contact and then we all silently blessed our own food. or at least they did. i was feeling pretty self satisfied with my performance until after we left when i actually paused to think about how glad i was that i forgot to wear earrings, and then i was all "GAH! nose ring!".

so close.

also it cost $318 including tax

i bought a dress. a WEDDING dress. and it would be deceitful not to tell you that i loved it so much that i pranced around the bridal salon with dress and veil on whistling "here comes the bride".

i blame it on the complimentary white wine

so there i was in a bridal shop today, and i actually thought to myself, "maybe i NEED a $3000 dollar dress". then i left the shop, ate supper, went to the gym, swam ten laps, came home, showered, laid down in bed and felt all the crazy drain out of me. now to just keep the crazy at bay.

oops, i'm fat again.

so, i thought what better time than now to get a gym membership. i decided to do trial runs at all the gyms in town and then pick the one best suited to ME. so practical right? except i am completely not practical and made the terrible mistake of going to rdv sportsplex first. the gym of the wealthy and the orlando magic! that place is the disney world of fitness. i just wanted to hang out there. i kept saying things that gave me away as the unemployed student that i am, like, "there are tv's ON the treadmill?", and "free shampoo and body wash in the bathroom?!" (maybe i go there to shower every day, save money!) plus, a big computer keeps track of your fitness and you carry a fitness key to plug into the machines and then the machines tell you what to do, SO scifi. i could feel myself getting thinner just by being there. pro pro pro so many pros.

CON: disturbing amounts of trophy wives. will have to dye my hair blonde and wear pancake makeup while i work out in order to fit in.

missing the bride gene

here are the things concerning weddings that make me want to crawl into bed, get under the covers, and never get out:

invitations
guest lists
bridesmaid dresses
tie colors
save the dates
engagement photos
seating arrangements
party favors
flowers
music
scripture readings
bouquet tosses
garter tosses
decorating
centerpieces
d.j.s
programs
guest books
guest book pens
unity candles
aisle runners
wedding cakes
cake knives
cake toppers

here are the things concerning weddings that only make me have mildly crippling anxiety:

picking a wedding dress
picking a wedding ring

here are the things concerning weddings that i am excited about:
actually being married to michael
going on the honeymoon


all of this is why i know we are making the right decision by not having a wedding at home.
as of now we are 90% sure it will be in scotland, 90% sure it will be in either april or may, and 100% sure you are invited.