so so close

today, i stepped on the scale at my gym and i weighed 138 pounds. which might still seem like a lot to you, but it sure seems like a little to me considering that less than three months ago i weighed 157 pounds. my original goal was to get down to 135 pounds before the wedding putting me back at my "normal" weight.

incidentally, when i was home a few weeks ago my mom told me i ate more food than anyone she knew. proving once and for all, it's not how much you eat, it's what you eat. or maybe in my case, what you don't eat.

to rest my very tired post nursing school brain, i've spent the past week at my parent's house curled up by the wood stove, drinking tea, and reading the sookie stackhouse novels. so brainless, so dirty, so AWESOME. (twilight is like so last year)
so . . . now i'm dating eric the vampire. and it really doesn't hurt that the guy who plays him on the television show (true blood) looks like this:














mmmm . . . bite ME.

in which i add a thing

i'm gluten free now.

i've written about my thyroid problems before. i have a multinodular goiter. which basically means there are benign lumps growing on my thyroid. the lumps are interfering with my thyroid's function and causing me to have all manner of hyperthyroid symptoms. heart palpitations, anxiety, hot flashes, etc. this has been going on for some time, years even. i was told the thyroid would have to come out and i've been biding my time until i was insured to do something about it. meanwhile, the lumps have been getting bigger, so big in fact, that they were visible to the naked eye, so freaking big, that they were hurting me every time i swallowed.

a few weeks ago i spoke to a friend's cousin who is a physician with an interest in holistic medicine. he advised that i try going dairy free and gluten free to see if that made any difference in my problems. (there is a lot of talk in the medical community lately about autoimmune diseases being linked to gluten intolerance and other allergies.) i was all, DUDE SERIOUSLY. i'm already vegan. no way i can be gluten free. BUT after some arm-twisting i agreed to try for at least a month.

you know where this is going right?

after just one week of no gluten, my thyroid has visibly shrunk. when i look in the mirror i can barely see it.

needless to say, i am a willing passenger on the crazy train right now. you should try going out to eat with me, it's SUPER fun. personally, i prefer eating at home. my food is better.

i've completely given up going to publix (our local grocery store), i have no use for it now. whole foods is my best friend. i found a super blog to support me, it's called gluten free goddess. her recipes are so so good, she never sacrifices flavor for health. plus there are pictures of the finished product on each recipe and i'm a visual learner.

tonight i tried her recipe for mac and cheese. this was a big step for me because seriously vegan cheese is disgusting. i love real cheese. vegan cheese has got to be someone's really bad idea of a joke. but this recipe didn't include vegan cheese, it included a crazy concoction of ingredients, but no cheese. i was scared, michael was scared, but we tried it. and then we had seconds.

speaking of, michael has been incredibly supportive of my eating habits. which, naturally, are now his eating habits, because hello, he isn't going to be cooking himself anything in this lifetime.

so besides me not dying of untreated thryoid disease, an admitted benefit, i'm even more excited about the fact that so far i've lost eleven pounds.

i am going to look super hot in my wedding dress.

i'm vegan, that's my thing now.

i read this book eating animals.

i defy anyone with a conscience and a gag reflex to read this book and continue to eat meat and dairy.

that was the biggest reason. however, there are others.

1) as far back as i can remember i've had stomach problems. bloating, gas, pain, constipation, etc. after 3 weeks of veganism they are completely gone.

2) my skin is clear.

3) in the past 3 weeks i've lost six pounds.

4) my anxiety which might have been at my life's peak around christmas time and which has always been present to some degree is at zero. i can't explain it, i don't understand it, but there you have it.

5) my energy levels are much higher. i sleep better and feel rested when i wake up. i never nap.

6) i just feel good. so much better than i've felt in a long time.

i feel it's important to note that i've been exercising pretty much every day since september. i've given up caffeine and sugar before. never has any other decision given me these results. 3 weeks! that's all it took.

i highly recommend it.

here's a little story for you:
earlier today on the phone with dad:
dad: you know what mom and i just remembered?
me: what?
dad: when you were a baby we stopped giving you regular formula because you would throw it up. we had to switch you to soy.
me: . . .

valerian root is my new best friend.

so, i spent a large portion of my week researching home remedies for anxiety in the hopes that i won't make myself physically ill in the next few months through the power of worry alone.

have i mentioned that wedding planning (well, planning anything really) is not my strong suit?

so far i have picked: dress, venue, lodging, food, and photographers.

can i please be done now?

as far as anxiety goes, i keep being advised to exercise daily! eat healthy! get lots of rest! well, let me tell you, i already do all those things. i have not yet resorted to pills, so i am trying the herbal route for now.

anyway, must focus. i am really good at focusing. on one thing. i am really bad at giving my full attention to multiple things. the problem is that right now many things need my attention and it leaves me feeling sad and overwhelmed, so therefore i do nothing. good solution, right?

in order to get married in scotland, i have to book things early which means three months ago, or better yet NOW. except right now i have to focus fully on school, because i have two months left before i have to be a real nurse. and if i fail school, i can't be a real nurse, and if i can't be a real nurse than i can't get paid a RN's salary, and if i don't get paid a RN's salary, i can't afford to have a wedding in scotland!

UGH, THE VICIOUS CIRCLE.

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On a better note:
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I am fairly confident in saying I am now in the best shape of my life. I might not necessarily be the thinnest I have ever been, but I am in seriously good shape. I have muscle definition in my puny arms!

Here is my exercise schedule:

Sunday: Yoga
Monday: 6 mile run
Tuesday: Group weights class
Wednesday: Rest
Thursday: 6 mile run
Friday: Spinning
Saturday: Group weights class

Diet:
Try not to eat crap

Moral:

I may have a nervous breakdown in the next 7 months, but at least I will look good while I have it.

P.S.

Yes, I realize my capitalization and grammar is all over the place. Thanks.

um, EMERGENCY.

I just stepped out of the shower and was confronted with STRETCH MARKS on my upper chest from doing the chest press at the gym! I WAS NOT TOLD THIS COULD HAPPEN.

side note: i may be overdoing the exercising, as i overdo all things.

lastthingipromise

i am incapable of referring to michael as "my fiance" with any degree of seriousness. just knowing the words are coming in a sentence makes me change my voice to faux pretension.